Have you been thinking, “My marriage feels like roommates”? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered with practice tips you can implement right away!
In this blog post, discover the 7 telltale signs that your relationship might be losing its spark and learn some practical tips on how to reignite that flame. Say goodbye to feeling like mere roommates and hello to a thriving marriage once again. Let’s get started!
- What is the roommate phase in marriage?
- Is it normal to feel like a roommate in my marriage?
- 7 Signs you’re more like roommates than spouses
- Roommate phase after baby
- How do you fix a marriage that feels like roommates?
- What is silent divorce?
- Spouse or roommate quiz
- How to be happy in a roommate marriage
- Final thoughts on why your marriage feels like roommates
- Pin for later!
What is the roommate phase in marriage?
Marriage is said to be the ultimate union between two people, a bond based on love, commitment, and shared goals. However, over time, couples may find themselves caught in what is known as the “roommate phase” of their marriage.
This phase is characterized by a lack of connection and intimacy, a feeling that the relationship has become more about practicalities and coexisting rather than deep emotional connection.
When a marriage feels like roommates, it can be disheartening and cause couples to question the strength of their relationship. The spark that once ignited their love may have dimmed, leaving them feeling more like companions rather than romantic partners.
If you find yourself in this situation, know that you are not alone. In fact, there are seven common signs that indicate a marriage has transitioned into more of a roommate dynamic rather than a romantic one. These signs can serve as a wake-up call and a starting point to bring back the passion and intimacy you once shared.
So don’t lose hope, as there are ways to bridge the gap and reignite the connection in your relationship.
Is it normal to feel like a roommate in my marriage?
It’s not unusual to feel like a roommate in a marriage at times. Many couples go through phases where they become more focused on their individual routines and responsibilities rather than nurturing their relationship as spouses. If you find yourself wondering whether it’s normal to feel this way, take a step back and evaluate your situation.
One helpful tool in understanding the dynamics of your relationship is to take a spouse or roommate quiz. This simple assessment can shed light on whether you and your partner have unknowingly slipped into a more roommate-like dynamic. By answering a series of questions about your day-to-day interactions, communication, and emotional connection, you can gain valuable insights into the current state of your marriage.
Keep reading for a quiz you can take right now!
The good news is that feeling like roommates doesn’t have to be the end of the story. There are strategies and techniques you can implement to improve your relationship and be happy even in a roommate marriage.
From prioritizing quality time together to finding ways to reconnect on an emotional and intimate level, there are steps you can take to revitalize the love and connection between you and your spouse. So don’t lose hope if you find yourself in this situation – remember that with commitment and effort, you can transform a roommate-like marriage into a thriving partnership.
It is not uncommon for couples to go through phases where they feel more like roommates than spouses. It can happen due to various reasons, such as work stress, busy schedules, or a decline in emotional connection. The important thing is to address these feelings and work towards rekindling the romantic aspect of the relationship.
7 Signs you’re more like roommates than spouses
Sign #1: Lack of Physical Intimacy
One of the most prominent signs of a roommate marriage is the lack of physical intimacy. You and your spouse may have become so comfortable with each other that cuddling, holding hands, and even kissing have become a thing of the past.
Physical affection is essential for maintaining a strong connection in a marriage. If it has dwindled or vanished altogether, it could be a signal that you’ve entered the roommate phase after the arrival of a baby or other factors.
The good news is that this sign can be addressed and overcome with open communication, effort, and a commitment to reigniting the passion in your relationship.
Sign #2: Shared Living, Separate Lives
In a healthy marriage, couples spend quality time together, engaging in activities that foster emotional connection and mutual growth. However, if you find yourselves living separate lives within the same space, it’s a clear indication that you’re in the roommate phase rather than being spouses.
You may be sharing the same house, but you’re not actively participating in each other’s lives.
Nonetheless, this sign of a roommate marriage can be reversed by making a conscious effort to spend quality time together, engaging in activities that you both enjoy and discussing your dreams, goals, and everyday experiences.
Sign #3: Practical conversations
When was the last time you talked about more than just work and the kids? Or talked beyond what your responsibilities are (talking about your to-do lists)?
When marriage feels like roommates, your conversations revolve around practical matters. You simply coexist, like two separate individuals sharing a living arrangement.
Do your conversations lack emotional connection? Then this might be a sign that your marriage feels like roommates rather than spouses.
Sign #4: Lack of emotional support
Do you feel supported or understood by your spouse emotionally? Are you able to go to your spouse with your feelings, hopes, dreams, concerns, stressors, etc.?
Emotional intimacy is a much bigger topic. If you’d like to learn more about it, here are some signs your marriage is lacking emotional intimacy. And this is how to build emotional intimacy in your marriage.
Sign #5: Absence of date nights
When is the last time you and your spouse went out on a date? Is it even something that is on your radar? In the roommate phase of marriage, going out on dates or spending quality time together is a thing of the past.
I understand how hard it can be to fit in a date night. Work is stressful. The kids wear you out. The house needs more repairs than you can count.
Not to mention you have to hire a babysitter if you don’t have family close by.
But prioritizing regular date nights is important for your marriage.
Sign #6: Financial Independence
But if you both handle your finances separately without any joint planning or decision-making, you’re probably in the roommate phase of marriage.
The decision to keep finances separate is one that is made at the beginning of your marriage (or even before). But it’s when you start truly living separate financial lives that you slide into the roommate phase of marriage.
Did you know that married couples who combine their finances are happier? A recent study dove into this topic and came back with this amazing finding.
Sign #7: Limited Communication
Do you and your spouse avoid important discussions? This last sign takes Sign #3 a step further. In the roommate phase, there’s a lack of open communication between you and your spouse.
Do you make important decisions together? Do you discuss how you are feeling? Roommates don’t necessarily talk about intimacy, goals, gratitude, etc. Married couples should be having all of these conversations, and more.
Just like #4 above, this is a much larger topic. If you’d like to learn more about toxic communication problems, you’ll find this post to be a necessary read.
Related post: How to Stop Saying “I Hate Parenting with My Husband”
Roommate phase after baby
When Josh and I had our first baby, we were shocked at how much work it all was. We were so naive. We knew it would be tough but there’s no way to prepare yourself until you actually go through it.
What shocked us the most was the effect having a baby had on our marriage. Before, we used to be able to go out to lunch whenever we wanted or watch a movie. Now we have to be intentional about the time we spend together.
It can be so easy to get lost in the craziness of having kids. They require so much attention and focus. If you’re not careful, you can find yourself in the roommate phase after having a baby.
In the first few months after your baby is born, it’s pretty hard to connect with your spouse. And that’s ok! Remind yourself that this is a tough phase. But you will get through it.
Focus on what works for your new family. Does getting the baby on a sleep schedule help you plan out times when you can be alone? Then prioritize sleep training!
When our son was 1, we found that he was better behaved when we went to a restaurant (this didn’t last as he got older though!). So we went out to eat a lot because it gave us a chance to change scenery and focus on each other a little more (even with our son around!).
Try different things and find what works for you! Don’t get discouraged. Kids are tough. But you and your spouse are teammates in this whole parenting thing. You can be amazing parents AND spouses!
How do you fix a marriage that feels like roommates?
One of the first steps to fixing a marriage that feels like roommates is to acknowledge that there is a problem and that it is worth addressing. Many couples go through phases where they may feel more like roommates than romantic partners. The key is to not let this phase turn into a permanent situation.
Communication is essential in any relationship, and it becomes even more crucial when trying to fix a roommate marriage. Sitting down with your spouse and honestly discussing your feelings and concerns can help bring about positive change.
Express how you miss the connection and closeness that you once had and ask if they feel the same way. It is important to approach this conversation with empathy and an open mind, focusing on finding solutions rather than placing blame.
Fixing a marriage that feels like roommates requires open communication, prioritizing quality time together, re-establishing emotional connection through shared activities and hobbies, seeking professional help if needed, and making efforts to bring back the romance and intimacy into the relationship.
Spend quality time together
Quality time together means you give each other your full attention. You focus on each other. You put your phones away.
Start by simply doing things together. Here are some ideas you can implement right now:
- Go on a walk
- See a movie and then talk about it after
- Make dinner together (without the kids around – they can play in their rooms for 30 minutes!)
- Play a board game together
Formal quality time together can also mean date nights. It’s a great way to schedule time to talk to each other or do an activity together.
If you don’t have the budget to go out on a date and hire a babysitter to watch the kids, I would suggest trying a date box. They’re a lot more affordable than you think! You can read my reviews in these posts here:
Decide on a few couple money goals that you can work on together. This will reinforce that you are financial teammates and help you get out of the roommate phase. If you need help budgeting together, read my post with practice tips here.
I also have a Budgeting for Couples Worksheet and Financial Planning Tracker for Couples (it’s over 10 pages!) that I’d love to share with you. It’s available for all of my subscribers. You can sign up to get these and other free downloads here.
What is silent divorce?
Silent divorce, a term gaining recognition in recent years, refers to the gradual deterioration of a marriage that has fallen into the roommate phase. It is the notion of being together but feeling emotionally detached and disconnected from your spouse. In a silent divorce, the couple may continue to live together but lead separate lives.
Many couples find themselves in this predicament, wondering if it is normal to feel like roommates in their marriage.
Silent divorce is characterized by:
- A lack of communication
- A lack of emotional intimacy
- A lack of shared goals or dreams
The roommate phase in marriage is a stage where the romantic spark diminishes, and couples start to live more as companions rather than partners. It’s when the relationship lacks the emotional closeness and intimacy that once characterized their bond.
This can occur due to a variety of factors, such as:
- Work stress
- Raising children
- Falling into familiar routines
While it’s not uncommon for couples to experience this, it doesn’t mean it should be accepted as the norm or go unnoticed. Silent divorce is a wake-up call to take action and revive the love and connection that initially brought you together.
Spouse or roommate quiz
Can we take a quiz to determine if we are more like spouses or roommates?
Yes, you can take a spouse or roommate quiz to get a better understanding of the dynamics in your marriage. These quizzes typically ask questions about your emotional connection, communication, intimacy, and shared activities to assess whether you are functioning more like spouses or roommates.
How do you know if you’re more like roommates than spouses? Take this simple quiz to find out. But remember, it’s just a tool to help you reflect on the current state of your marriage, and it’s not an authoritative source. The key is to use the results as a starting point for discussions with your partner, and to take proactive steps towards rebuilding the connection.
1. How often do you and your partner share meaningful conversations about your dreams, fears, and aspirations?
2. Do you feel like your emotional needs are being met in the relationship?
3. How often do you spend quality time together, just the two of you, without distractions?
4. Are you and your partner still physically intimate, or has it become more of a routine rather than a genuine expression of love and desire?
5. Do you feel like you can rely on your partner for support and understanding when you need it most?
6. How often do you and your partner engage in activities or hobbies together that you both enjoy?
7. Are you and your partner actively working together to resolve conflicts and issues that arise in the relationship?
If you find that you and your spouse are drifting apart and scoring low on these questions, don’t panic!
There are steps you can take to fix a marriage that feels like roommates. Communication is vital in any relationship, so start by opening up honest and non-judgmental conversations about your feelings, concerns, and desires for the future.
Seek professional help if needed, as therapists can provide guidance and facilitate effective communication between you and your partner. Remember, it’s never too late to rekindle the love and connection you once had.
Silent divorce is not the only option; with effort and commitment, you can rediscover happiness and fulfillment in your marriage.
How to be happy in a roommate marriage
While your goal may be to move out of the roommate phase of marriage, it’s also important to focus on the now. How can you be happy while you’re still in this tough phase?
To be happy in a roommate marriage, it’s essential to:
- Prioritize open and honest communication
- Set aside quality time for each other
- Engage in shared activities
- Show appreciation and affection
- Seek professional help if needed.
It’s important to remember that with effort and commitment, the romantic spark can be reignited even in a roommate-like marriage.
Creating happiness in a roommate marriage requires effort and a willingness to consistently prioritize the relationship. One helpful tool is the spouse or roommate quiz, which can facilitate open and honest communication.
Take the quiz together, laughing and reminiscing as you answer the questions. This quiz serves as a foundation for understanding where you stand in your relationship and can spark discussions about areas that need improvement. Remember, the goal of the quiz is not to assign blame but to identify opportunities for growth and connection.
Once you’ve completed the quiz, it’s essential to initiate regular date nights or quality time together. Plan activities that both of you enjoy, whether it’s cooking a nice meal, going for a walk, or watching a favorite movie.
Remember, happiness in a roommate marriage is about finding moments of joy and connection, even in the midst of daily routines. By intentionally carving out time dedicated to your partnership, you can strengthen your bond and create a sense of togetherness beyond the mundane aspects of everyday life.
Final thoughts on why your marriage feels like roommates
If your marriage feels like roommates, you’re not alone! It’s sadly an easy phase to find yourself in because we tend to get caught up in our day-to-day lives and responsibilities.
It’s time to prioritize your marriage again. If you’re looking for a simple way to get started, check out this post for great ideas on date nights that you can have right at home!
Remember, divorce is not the only option. With effort and dedication, a husband and wife can regain the intimacy and spark that may have been lost along the way.