In researching my blog post on how to handle parenting disagreements with your spouse, I came across something alarming. I discovered that the sentence “I hate parenting with my husband” is searched for over 200 times every single month.
I began to add this as a section to the blog post mentioned above. But the more I thought about it, I began to realize that this was a much deeper topic that deserved its own post.
If you’ve stumbled upon this blog post, it’s probably because you have been having similar feelings. Below are some reasons you might think “I hate parenting with my husband”. I dissect each one. I’ll give you ideas on how to move past these negative thoughts.
If you’re ready to do some work on your marriage, this post is for you. Most of the advice below is going to focus on various conversations you need to have with your husband. If your marriage lacks emotional intimacy, this is going to be difficult. Here are some great ways to build emotional intimacy.
**Disclaimer: if your husband is in any way abusive, please seek help. The National Domestic Voice Hotline is: 800-799-7233.
- Look at how your husband was raised
- Consider how you handle parenting disagreements
- “My husband has no patience with our children “
- “My husband is a disappointing father”
- “My husband makes me feel like a bad mother”
- “My husband gets angry if I disagree with him”
- When only one parent disciplines
- “My husband doesn’t enjoy parenting”
- “My husband does not support my parenting”
- Final thoughts on how to stop saying “I hate parenting with my husband”
Look at how your husband was raised
What was your husband’s upbringing like? Did he come from a loving home with parents who spent time with him? This might begin to scratch the surface of your issues with his parenting.
This is a great place to start because it can help you understand where your husband might be coming from. Is he quick to yell because his mother yelled? Does he rarely say “I love you” because his father never said it to him?
I’m not saying your in-laws are to be blamed here. But I do believe that how you were raised affects how you parent. Some copy their parents’ parenting styles. Others try to parent differently.
Start your journey towards never saying “I hate parenting with my husband”. Sit down and have a conversation with your husband about how he was raised. Here are some questions to ask:
- Did you feel like you grew up in a loving household?
- Were you close to either of your parents?
- What made you feel closer to one parent versus the other?
- Did you like your parents’ parenting?
- What would you like to do differently with our kids?
- What would you like to do the same?
These questions are only ideas. Make sure to ask follow up questions and come up with some of your own. Share your own experiences too.
Consider how you handle parenting disagreements
Take a good hard look at the times when you and your husband disagree on parenting. How do you handle these situations? Do you make sure you always get your way? Or do you hear your husband out?
If you are overbearing and don’t let your husband have any input, he will begin to retreat. Eventually, he won’t want to participate in the parenting because he doesn’t feel heard.
Take the following steps to think deeply about this topic:
- Sit down in a quiet place and consider the last time you and your husband disagreed on a parenting issue.
- How did you react? Were you defensive? Did you let your husband speak his mind?
- Did you give his way a chance? Did you even consider it?
- In what ways could you have handled this disagreement better?
- What is one small thing you can do to ensure future disagreements end more peacefully? Here are some examples:
- Consider his way: As long he has the kids’ best interests at heart, what harm can come from trying his way out?
- Listen: Let your husband speak his mind
- Breathe: This will help you stay calm during a disagreement.
You’ll find more tips in my post about parenting disagreements here.
“My husband has no patience with our children “
The phrase, “my husband has no patience with 3 year old” is searched quite a bit. It’s no secret that 3 year olds can be difficult and it can be so hard to be patient with them.
So how can you help your husband to be more patient with your children? Start by asking him why he finds it so hard to be patient with the kids. What expectations does he have of them? Are they realistic expectations? Do you have realistic expectations of your husband’s patience?
Next, do some research together on how to be more patient with your kids. Psych Central has some really great tips on this. Decide on a few strategies that you can both work on together.
Help keep each other accountable. If you are both working towards patience, it won’t make your husband feel like he’s being attacked. Approaching this subject with love is the best way to make your husband feel like a partner rather than the enemy.
Don’t forget to let reassure your husband. You’ve probably lost your patience with the kids too. Empathize with him.
“My husband is a disappointing father”
Why have you been disappointed with your husband as a father? Is it because he doesn’t step up and help? Do you disagree with his parenting style? Does he have a hard time connecting with the kids?
Find out what he might be thinking. Has he tried to voice any parenting concerns with you? How have you responded?
Here are some ideas to help:
- If your husband has shut down because you haven’t been open to his ideas, start listening.
- Find some small ways your husband would enjoy helping.
- Help your husband connect with the kids by helping them find common ground.
“My husband makes me feel like a bad mother”
What is making you think this? Does your husband say or do something in particular?
Is there any chance you are actually the one putting the pressure on yourself?
There are times when I think my husband is criticizing my parenting choices. But really, I’m reflecting my own thoughts onto him. After talking to him about it, I realize he wasn’t insinuating anything bad at all. I tend to project the pressure I’m putting on myself onto him.
Have you tried asking your husband if he thinks you’re a bad mother? Be prepared for an honest answer. Maybe your husband isn’t intending to make you feel this way. If that’s the case, you both need to discuss what your husband is doing to make you feel this way. What changes need to be made?
On the other hand, if your husband does think poorly of your parenting, find out why. What could you do to become a better mother? In what ways do you feel you fall short? Have an open and honest conversation.
“My husband gets angry if I disagree with him”
Let’s dive into this one a bit more. Have you been disagreeing with him in front of the kids? Or do you always disagree with him? There can be several very reasonable reasons for why your husband gets angry if you disagree with him. So start with those possibilities first.
If you still can’t figure out why your husband is getting so angry, ask him these questions:
- Do you feel undermined when I disagree with you?
- Do you think we could come to some common ground?
When only one parent disciplines
If you are the only one disciplining the children, it can easily lead to you having thoughts such as “I hate parenting with my husband.” But it doesn’t have to be so one-sided. Start with a conversation.
Here are some things to talk to your husband about:
- How were each of you disciplined growing up?
- What do you wish your parents had done differently?
- Do you feel like the children’s discipline is going well?
- Does your husband feel heard when he expresses his opinions on the children?
Come to an agreement on discipline with the children. Find some middle ground and implement the strategies you discussed in your conversations. Make sure you both hold each other accountable.
“My husband doesn’t enjoy parenting”
Why doesn’t your husband enjoy parenting? Could he be having a hard time connecting with the kids? Has he found himself feeling defeated or like a failure?
Or maybe your husband didn’t realize how demanding parenting would be! Is he disappointed at the amount of work it is? Talk to him about how hard you find it to be too. Finding solidarity in these situations can be so relieving.
Are there any other issues he may not be talking about? Is he having a hard time at work? Does he feel fulfilled? Has he been practicing self care? There are so many other things that may be going on! It’s time to start digging.
“My husband does not support my parenting”
It can be very tough when your husband does not support your parenting. It’s time to have a conversation about this.
Here are some questions to ask him:
- What do you like about my parenting?
- In what ways am I a good mother?
- What areas could I improve in?
- What do you wish I would do differently?
Here are some things you should share with your husband during this conversation:
- How does his lack of support make you feel? Be open and honest here.
- Tell your husband what you like about his parenting.
- Share any areas of improvement for your husband’s parenting
Try to stay objective and calm in these conversations.
Final thoughts on how to stop saying “I hate parenting with my husband”
You can enjoy parenting with your husband. It all starts with a conversation and continues with open communication.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic! Do you hate parenting with your husband? Are there any angles I didn’t cover in this blog post? Let me know how I can help you and your husband connect through this incredibly rewarding but challenging time in your marriage!