How to Communicate with Your Spouse Without Fighting

Learn how to communicate with your spouse without fighting. Start implementing these useful and actionable strategies today!

how to communicate with your spouse without fighting

After 12 years together (8 married), my husband Josh and I have had our fair share of communication struggles. Our biggest breakthrough came when we realized we handle conflict differently … and that’s ok!

Josh and I have worked on the tips below at one point or another. And honestly: there are some we’re still working on today! No marriage is perfect. But we continuously work on bettering our relationship.

My best advice is to pick a couple of things to work on at a time. There’s a lot of information in this blog post. Don’t let it overwhelm you. Save it for later and come back to reference it as you need to.

I can’t talk to my husband without him getting angry

Communication can become so difficult in marriage for many reasons. Things build up, feelings get hurt, and issues go unresolved. Over time, it can become harder and harder to communicate with your spouse.

The longer you let issues fester, the bigger they become. If your husband is getting angry every you try to talk to him, this article. It will give you a lot of tips and areas you can work on to improve communication in your marriage. Stop fighting and start connecting today.

Expressing your feelings should not turn into an argument

It’s important to remember that your feelings are ok. It’s what you do with them that can turn into an argument.

If you are expressing your feelings and it’s turning into an argument, it’s time to do some reflection.

Are you expressing your feelings calmly? For example, do you tell your spouse calmly that you are upset about something? Or are you raising your voice?

If you are expressing your feelings calmly, how is your spouse reacting? There might be some insecurities, doubts, or fears that your spouse is dealing with. That can definitely make it hard to relate to your feelings and hear you out.

couple learning how to communicate with your spouse without fighting

How to communicate with your spouse without fighting PDF

This blog post has a lot of helpful information. I also created a pdf e-book for you to download and reference. Subscribe to my email list below and you’ll be sent this helpful guide for free!

You’ll also get access to my entire Free Marriage Resource Library, which includes:

  • Date night planner
  • Conversation starters
  • Emotional intimacy test
  • and more!

How to have a conversation with your spouse without fighting

Learn your communication styles

There are 4 main communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. You may not always use the same style in every conversation, but you likely have a general style that you gravitate towards.

Take some time and figure out what your communication styles are. It’ll go a long way in helping you communicate more effectively with each other.

Calm yourself down

Have you ever said something to your spouse out of anger that wasn’t actually true? Could that have been avoided if you had just calmed down first?

There’s no shame in pausing a conversation (either in the middle or before it even begins) to calm down.

Experiment with different ways to calm down and find your favorite go-tos. Here are 22 ideas to help you get started.

Choose the right place and time

Lovingly consider what your spouse might be going through before you bring up a difficult subject. If you spouse just got home from work and being stuck in traffic, they’re probably not in the right mood to effectively and calmly communicate.

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Feel your feelings

I’ll admit I’m not good at this one. I used to be a master at stuffing my feelings into a tiny box and tucking deep deep down. But I’m working on it.

The more you hide from your feelings, the easier it’ll become to lash out at others (your spouse included). Here’s a guide from the Calm app on how to feel your feelings.

Work on your emotional intimacy

If your marriage lacks emotional intimacy, you’re going to have a hard time sharing your true feelings with each other. Don’t worry, I wrote a great blog post on how to build emotional intimacy in your marriage.


What is your spouse going through? It’s possible they are stressed or struggling with something. That can make it difficult to communicate effectively.


Sit down with pen and paper and think about:

  • Examples of times you and your spouse communicated effectively
  • Examples of times you and your spouse didn’t communicate effectively
  • What’s working well
  • What needs work

Don’t just think about this. Write it down. There’s something about putting pen to paper that can help your brain comprehend and see things clearer.

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Use “I Feel” statements

Psychology has been preaching this one for a while now. When you begin a sentence with “I feel…”, it takes the blame off of others and makes the conversation lighter.

Address barriers to communication

Stress, misunderstandings, and assumptions can all lead to arguments. Be honest with yourself and acknowledge the barriers that have been hindering you from effectively communicating with your spouse.

How to communicate without blame

If your spouse hurt you or made a mistake, it’s important to learn how to communicate without placing blame. Think about it: would you want your spouse to shame you for your mistakes?

Focus on how your spouse’s mistake made you feel. Explain calmly why this mistake hurt you.

Remember to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. You married this person for a reason. There is a lot of good in them. Help remind them of the amazing person that they are. The compassion you show your spouse in this situation is going to go a long way.

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How to have a disagreement without fighting


Practice actively listening to your spouse when they talk. Don’t look at your phone or talk over them.

Put aside your feelings and thoughts for a minute and hear out your spouse. Reiterate what you heard to minimize the chance of a misunderstanding.

Change your mindset

Did you know you could talk to your brain? You have control over your thoughts and you can choose to think a different thought.

When you disagree with your spouse, pride can get in the way of having a better thought. Recognize when your pride is hurting your thoughts. Strive to change it.

Here are some thoughts you can have before, during, and after a disagreement with your spouse:

  • My spouse feels strongly about their position. How can I see their point of view better?
  • I wonder what resolutions we could come up with? Are there any compromises we could come to?
  • I do not always have to get my way. Marriage is about give and take.

See the good in your spouse

This goes along the lines of changing your mindset. Just because you disagree doesn’t mean your spouse is wrong. Remember that your spouse is a good person.

If you are fighting about parenting, you’ll want to check out these 2 blog posts:

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How to communicate with your partner when angry

If you are angry, your first step should be to calm yourself down. It’s ok to be angry. But it’s not ok to use that anger to lash out at your spouse.

Things said in anger can deeply hurt your spouse. When you’re angry it’s easy to sound mean or say something that isn’t true.

Find a way to communicate your anger in a calm manner. If you are upset, you need to be able to talk to your spouse about it. But if you approach the matter when you are not calm, your spouse is not going to hear you out.

Here are some ways to calm your anger before things escalate:

  • Get some fresh air
  • Stretch
  • Do some breathing exercises
  • Journal
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Questions to ask your spouse

When dealing with an issue in your marriage, it’s always a good idea to get your spouse’s opinion on the matter. Here are a few questions you can ask your spouse to help you understand their point of view:

  • Do you think we communicate effectively?
  • Do you think we use arguments to grow in our marriage? Or are they festering and causing harm?
  • How can I listen to you better?
  • How can I communicate better?
  • Do I calmly express my thoughts and feelings?
  • What do you think we are doing well when it comes to communication?
  • What do you think we could improve on?

Frequently asked questions

How do I fix poor communication in my marriage?

If your marriage has communication problems, you’ll want to:

  • Practice active listening
  • Work on your emotional intimacy
  • Be vulnerable with each other
  • Talk about more than just work and the kids

Want to learn more? Here’s how to fix communication problems in your marriage.

How to respectfully communicate with your husband?

Respectful communication with your husband is going to rely on a few main things:

  • Your ability to express your feelings and thoughts calmly
  • How well you actively listen to your husband’s thoughts and feelings
  • Your willingness to make changes

Why do I struggle to communicate with my partner?

Stress, pride, hurt feelings, lingering issues, and poor communication skills can cause you to struggle with communication. You and your partner need to work to pin point what barriers are keeping you from communicating better.

Final thoughts on how to communicate with your spouse without fighting

There are a lot of ways you can improve the communication in your marriage. I suggest you start by reflecting and taking some time to understand what exactly you need to work on.

If you’re not sure where to start, pick something and try it out. If it doesn’t help, try something else. You can’t go wrong if you’re trying. It’ll show your spouse that you care to make things better.

If you need more help with communication, I sugest you check out my post on HeyRitual. They’re an online coupels counseling service. They make it really easy to incorporate couples therapy into your every day lives. Learn about my experience with them and see if they’re the right fit for you!

What strategies do you use to communicate with your spouse without fighting? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

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About the Author

Melissa is a wife of 8 years and mother to 2 young kiddos. She has a passion for helping couples prioritize and strengthen their marriage after having kids. She knows firsthand how difficult it can be to connect with your spouse when you have little people running around, demanding all of your attention.

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